I’ve just had to encourage my cat to go out into the cold cold outside. He seemed less than enamoured of this idea but I do it for his own good. You see I was about to use his fiercest enemy, the hoover. Now if you’ve seen a photo of Linus you’ll know that he startles easily; in fact millions of years of feline evolution have given him a panicked look or flight mechanism which he uses to good effect.

We also have a Dyson hoover. You Americans may not understand but the Dyson is the mightiest hoover ever created. With six tiny little cyclones embedded inside its shell it laughs off the puny impediment presented by dirt, leaves or human flesh sucking all in its path into its giant maw of destruction. When operating the Dyson makes a noise akin to a second world war bomber and costs approximately the same, only made of plastic.

In fact, digression: why don’t we have a plastic amnesty, second world war style shere old spatulas, toy soldier collections and the like are colelcted by public spirited volunteers, melted down and used to create more dysons for the war effort underprivelaged.

As I’m sure you can appreciate Linus’ relationship with the loudest noisemaker in our house is complex and multilayered. Whilst the machine is active he flees and looks hurt; whilst it is silent he spends hours looking at it, occasionally striking out a paw to try and make it move so he can keeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it like the spiders, insects or unwary feet he feasts upon the rest of the time.

Second digression: Linus wouldn’t attack a prepared foot, it’s just when he can’t see that it’s attached to you and it keeps moving, perhaps occasionally twinking it’s toes. It’s like sharks and surfers, he thinks your foot looks like a seal.

So as I write Linus has just climbed onto the roof and has popped in through the open window (as he does frequently with predictably hilarious consequences ) and is padding down the stairs looking cautiously to make sure the hoover is back in its rightful place after terrorising the carpet. He sniffs at the newly cleaned floor, I like to think he’s planning something because by dint of his kittenish ability to make mess/walk leaves into the house it’ll look just as dirty as before within a couple of hours.